Get all 8 gingerjamesfair releases available on Bandcamp and save 30%.
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1. |
Quale
02:02
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Through the noise
Came a signal
A sense so ineffable,
Words can’t communicate
A feeling so rich as this.
A moment so delicate.
Clarity arrived, vagueness dissipates.
A sensory epiphany, conscious awakening.
Instantly divine.
How to describe?
I can't define the quality.
Incomplete lexicon, shonky vocabulary.
What was it like?
Things were incredible.
Infinitely memorable, yet fleeting and ephemeral,
She's going to survive!
Inappropriate metaphors.
Clunky analogies.
Second-hand clichés.
A language so limited.
Sadly inexpressible, seemingly impossible.
Private and personal, a quale un-shareable,
Uniquely yours.
Uniquely mine.
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2. |
Jumble
03:31
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I was asked to write a diary while you were away.
To document the days that you missed when you were under.
I didn't know what to write, I wasn't doing much myself,
Just gleaning information from the doctors when they came.
I read lots on meningitis, I read lots on sepsis too,
I asked lots of questions about equipment in your room.
My brain was just a jumble, but the diary kept me straight.
Hours felt like weeks, minutes felt like days.
You looked quite peaceful but you were dying inside.
The doctors would explain using film analogies.
They said it was like the end of The Italian Job with the bus on the cliff.
My brain was just a jumble, but the diary kept me straight.
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3. |
Once More
01:54
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I remember when they tried to remove the tube,
But you weren’t yet conscious so they gave up for the afternoon
They’d switch on the sedation; you’d drift from the room, once more.
I wasn’t prepared for this, this is not what’s in the movies.
You’re supposed to wake up and be perfectly lucid.
Instead it’s touch-and-go, if you’ll ever come back home, once more.
Oh, once more.
I start questioning the things that are supposed to make life more certain
Like mortgages and marriages and paying into a pension.
And what is the point? If it can all dissolve in an instant, once more.
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4. |
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The psychosis lasted about four days.
The doctors said it was a difficult phase that you’d go through.
By the time you had been there for a week and a half,
You’d made lots of friends with the hospital staff; that’s what you do.
And it’s why I love you – the strongest woman in the room.
The challenge ahead was hard and uncertain.
Your pain was a strain and you were constantly hurting,
But smiled when you could.
I remember the day that you cut off some toes
Frustrated with waiting for necrosis to go, just wanting to get it over with.
And the nurses at the hospital ward who couldn’t believe
You’d scalpelled your own finger off while waiting
In a treatment room for a specialist, but you couldn’t wait one minute more.
Doctors tried to explain as if you didn’t know.
Who could know your pain better than yourself?
A slow fascination, took across your brain,
A scientific experiment based upon yourself.
And the number of times we took taxi rides
To see specialists that didn’t seem so special.
Yet a small few were heroes to you and saved your life.
The fact remains things are not the same.
You can’t work in the lab because of the pain and this hurts too.
So we change all our plans and start a new life,
Reimagine our future as husband and wife.
That’s what we’ll do, because I love you – the strongest woman in the room.
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5. |
Tehran
01:41
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6. |
Pragmatic Love Song
02:15
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No-one really talks about the time
That falls between the illness and potential recovery.
Months fly by but seem so slow.
Bills comes so often, money less so.
It's a wonder we survived with all the shit we had to deal with.
I was drunk and you were high, but together we got through it.
We lost interest for a time,
Fun felt heavy, hobbies lost their shine.
The hardest part to describe
Was your identity; torn away by circumstances.
Nothing felt so sad,
As you remembering what you had.
Incapable of going back
And needing to reinvent yourself.
It's a wonder we survived with all the shit we had to deal with.
I was drunk and you were high, but together we got through it.
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7. |
Clown
02:09
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On some nights when you'd cry
From nightmares or pain inside,
I was so useless, inadequate and stupid
All the time.
I'd try to make you smile
Like a clown at the darkest of times.
In hindsight it's shameful
To think how unhelpful I was.
I felt like a failure, a passive spectator
In your cause.
I'd try to make you smile
Like a clown at the darkest of times.
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8. |
Lower Than Low
01:20
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Life becomes calm, things settle down
We buy a T.V. an watch loads of crap.
I get a smart phone which I constantly check
To read unhappy news and play unwanted apps
Spend too much time on social media sites,
But haemorrhage friends in the physical world.
We do very little but always feel tired
We never consider what depression feels like
But we're low, really lower than low.
We take a short trip, visit the sea,
And instantly realise what we both need.
So we pack up our life, start all again,
But we packed all our shit and it follows us there
So we're low, really lower than low.
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9. |
Sync
04:15
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Strange as it sounds, we were together much more
But further apart than before.
Side by side, living different lives,
Sharing only the space and the time.
Out of sync,
An inanimate life with no intimacy.
Who can we blame?
Our intentions are good but nothing feels the same.
We cannot decide, if we want to give in
Or give it another try.
Are we still in love? Were we ever in love? Or is this it?
I Google 'what is love?' but everything stinks.
Are we out of time? Or just out of sync?
We try all sorts of things
To get back to a past, a place where everything worked.
But it doesn't exist, and we torture ourselves
Wanting things that we both know we miss.
Are we fooling ourselves?
Can we appreciate this?
Are we out of time?
Or just out of sync?
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10. |
Am I Oversharing?
03:25
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Talking too much
On social occasions.
Pissing a monologue; to people so bored.
A self-assumed privilege to have the last word.
Hippocratic oath or hypocritical oaf?
Appropriate your illness or sharing my perspective?
I feel guilty for expressing when it wasn't my sickness.
Forgive me, am I oversharing?
Talking it out. Openness with others.
Even when I don’t deserve or have a reason to be heard.
Professional motormouth saying nothing of worth.
Crippling self-doubt, close my social media.
Carry thoughts inside my head,
Things to say that can't be said.
So I write a song and sing instead
Have I said too much or offended?
Forgive me, am I oversharing?
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11. |
Things Must Be Done
01:54
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We take one step forward, two steps back.
One feeling better while the other feels crap.
An endless journey of hope and despair.
It falls apart when we think we are there.
Oh you're getting tired at all the talk of progress that leaves my tongue,
Saying things to help is pretty useless, things must be done.
We take two steps forward, one step back.
Nothing's perfect but we're on the right track.
I ditch my smartphone as it made me feel dumb.
I go part time so I can be more at home.
Oh we're getting through with all the talk of progress that never comes,
Saying things to help is pretty useless, things must be done.
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12. |
Phenomenal
03:07
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It takes a while to turn around
Patience is so rarely found in instant times
So I'm glad to find someone to share their life authentically
And put up with me and humour me, some of the time.
We see some things differently, either culturally or spiritually
But rarely fight like others might,
Because you almost died and I was forced to think
"Do I want a life without you in it?"
And I faced the truth.
Looking back on it now
I'm kind of proud that we survived the way we did.
You lost fingers and toes, I lost my hair, but kept a sense of humour.
If I had to try and summarise,
Conclude on things that sound wise and meaningful, I would struggle.
It's just an experience, you had to be there,
Something that can't be shared or explained in full, phenomenal.
The thing about a tragic past
Is it liberates the future parts that seem unsure or worrisome.
A sense of perspective, that word 'experience'
You had to be there, it can't be shared, phenomenal.
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gingerjamesfair Bournemouth, UK
Just happy to be making and sharing.
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